I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
