i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
