my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
where are my eyebrows?
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