I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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