i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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