She is in my trunk
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
