Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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