hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
