oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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