The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
