The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
then he tried to convert me to islam
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
