Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
