I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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