I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
