If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Green mimosas i think yes
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
