I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
