my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
