can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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