Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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