I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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