Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
