I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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