I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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