so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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