i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
