Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
