I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
