If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
