If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
