I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
