Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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