I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
