Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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