so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
