I think my fart just growled at me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
These tits shall not be calmed
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
