i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
