I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
