You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
