I'm so fucking centered right now
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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