What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
