I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
