New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
