Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
