he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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