How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
