there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
