he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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