You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
