i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My bed smells like the plague
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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