I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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