I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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