Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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